Nadine Feldman, Author

celebrating strong female characters and whatever else strikes my fancy

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Bedspreads and Novel Writing: It’s the Little Things

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A few weeks ago I got it in my head that I wanted to knit a bedspread. I don’t know why. These notions just sort of show up, and I either wait for them to pass or jump on them. Usually I jump on them and am sorry later as I ask, “What did I get myself into this time?”

So, of course, I’ve jumped in. Again. I’ve given up the quest for self-improvement in favor of self-acceptance, so all I can do is shake my head, smile, and say, “Yep, that’s what I do.”

After some searching, here’s the pattern I settled on. It’s easier than it looks, because I’ll make a lot of little pieces that I then sew together. Of course, making a lot of little pieces can get tedious. I started knitting the little colored strips…80 of them for each of 13 colors. I don’t like doing math, but I can tell you, that’s a lot, and those pieces represent just part of the quilt.

It’s no coincidence that I’m revising a novel at the same time. Without boring you with all the little details, it feels much the same as working on this quilt. There is the whole that is the ultimate goal, which I’m reaching by working on thousands of little, tedious pieces.

I’m reading The Wonder of Aging: A New Approach to Embracing Life After Fifty by Michael Gurian. Based on what I’ve read so far, it would appear that this new approach to quilting, writing, and life is a reflection of my age and current stage of life. I’m okay with taking time to work on the little details. Yes, I’d like to write books faster than I do, but I’m more interested in writing better. Eventually I’ll have enough of those little pieces done to put them together in one of the rings. Eventually I’ll read through a draft and say, yes, this one’s ready to go to the editor, because I’ve done my best.

It seems curious and paradoxical to want to slow down the process. There is so much to write! So much to get done! Sometimes it feels maddening to become more deliberate, more thoughtful, less action-oriented. Yet somehow, I suspect, I will get more done. My drafts may go more slowly, but I will need fewer of them (I hope). In the end, I hope to have a beautiful heirloom quilt and a beautifully written book to share.

Birthday Reflections

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Yesterday I turned 54, a number that I find somehow surprising. Physically, I feel no different from when I was younger. In fact, in many ways I am stronger and healthier than I was then. I’m still limber enough to surprise an unsuspecting massage therapist who decides to stretch my legs. It wasn’t always so. At age 26, when I first took up yoga, I couldn’t touch my toes, so I’ve gotten better with age.

Mentally, I feel smarter and wiser, though part of being smarter and wiser is knowing that you’re not so smart or wise. I still take delight in learning new things. This year, my education centered in the home as I learned the arts of canning food and spinning wool.

We took a big step several months ago and moved from Houston, where I had lived for 30 years. I never thought I would stay there for the rest of my life, but this year, I finally knew where I wanted to go. It’s been a good decision, and I’m excited about where I live now.

If there is a looming discontent, it’s about the increased urgency to leave a legacy. I’ve putzed around with my writing this year, and I’m ready once again to get serious. I don’t want to beat myself up about it; after all, moving cross-country, from a red state to a blue one (sigh of relief), from a major city to a small town, takes some getting used to. Even though I didn’t write as much as I wanted, I felt as though I was gathering new material that would turn up in my stories. Now, though, I want to roll up my sleeves and git ‘er done. I have several books in process and a Google doc file full of ideas, so I need to get on with it. With my health, I can probably expect many productive years left, but we never know at this point. I’ve said goodbye to friends who didn’t make it this far, so I don’t take my life for granted.

I just started reading Neil Young’s book, Waging Heavy Peace. Though I’m not too far into it, what I find most interesting is that he’s looking forward, engaged in new projects that excite him. In fact, he covers quite a bit of ground before he gets into the “memoir” part of it because he’s so involved in what he’s doing now. I love his restless, chaotic, inventive spirit. As I begin another year in the unstoppable march of time, I hope that I can follow his example.

Book Tuesday: What is the “Real” Israel?

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In 2008, hubby and I went to Israel. Stunning and stressful, inspiring and frightening, the country showed its many sides to us as we explored it in our rental car. When I came home, I wanted to write about it, but how? Nothing I tried to write did justice to the experience.

Author Martin Fletcher, who walked the western coast of Israel the same year we were there, has written the stories that I couldn’t write in Walking Israel:  A Personal Search for the Soul of a Nation. A longtime journalist, Fletcher had covered many battles and skirmishes throughout the country. He felt that he was missing something, and walked the western coast of Israel in search of the “real” Israel. Along the way he interviews Jews, Israeli Arabs, soldiers, and more.

Exuberant Tel Aviv!

As Fletcher hikes along the coast, my own memories come flooding back. In one example, he writes about Acre, with its medieval walls, where Jews and Arabs live peacefully, for the most part. Just before our visit, though, some violence erupted when an Arab drove his car into a Jewish neighborhood on Yom Kippur (the holiest day of the Jewish calendar). As with all things Israeli, however, it’s complicated, and hubby and I had a nice visit in Acre despite the violence just a week before. Fletcher reflects on this incident, though it occurred several months after his walk, and notes how challenging it is to separate politics from daily life in Israel.

When Fletcher describes the northern town of Nahariyya, I remember meeting my first former Israeli soldier: a pretty waitress in a local cafe. Slim and slight, she recalled doing her military service when Lebanon was bombing Nahariyya in 2006. My stepson was in Israel that year, and we feared for his safety, but his group leaders moved them further south out of harm’s way. I realized again what should be obvious: no matter how intimidating or powerful, many armies are made up of young, fresh-faced kids just starting their lives.

Roman ruins at Caesarea, where Napoleon was turned back.

 

Overlooking Jerusalem

 

 

 

 

 

 

There were so many contradictions and contrasts, too many to describe here. I am grateful to Fletcher for his ability to present them so clearly.

Fletcher doesn’t try to draw conclusions. His reviews are mixed because he hasn’t chosen one side or the other, but that’s why I appreciate it. It’s confusing and complex, and Fletcher doesn’t make it less so. He does, however, show the fascinating and frustrating land of Israel in a way that made me nod my head and say, “Yes, yes, that’s it. That’s what I couldn’t find the words to say.”

Sunrise at Masada, overlooking the Dead Sea

Book Recommendation: My Plastic-Free Life by Beth Terry

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Beth Terry confesses that she’s shy. An accountant in the Oakland, California, area, this sprite of a woman is the unlikely David to the Goliath of plastic over-use. In 2007, though, after seeing a disturbing photograph, Terry had the light-bulb moment that made her want to try living a plastic-free life. She documented her experiences and experiments in a blog, now known as My Plastic-Free Life, and has written a book called Plastic-Free: How I Kicked the Plastic Habit and How You Can Too.

In our fair town, plastic bags were banned as of November 1, and our local food co-op brought Beth Terry to town to share her expertise. I knew I’d be out mushroom hunting earlier in the afternoon (more about that tomorrow) and didn’t know if I’d get back in time, so I downloaded her book and started reading it in advance of her visit. Hubby and I were already working to reduce our plastic waste, but My Plastic-Free Life has given me even more ideas.

For example, our co-op allows us to bring our own containers and buy items in bulk. This has allowed me to reduce my usage of plastic containers for automatic dishwashing detergent, laundry soap, protein powder, and more. However, I am a soda junkie (I’m not kidding, I’ve tried numerous times to quit), so what can I do? As a result of reading Terry’s book, I’ve learned that I can make my own. With some experience making kombucha under my belt, I feel comfortable with trying the fermentation method of soda, which creates the lowest environmental footprint.

Still, despite my good intentions, I’ve become painfully aware of the many ways that plastic finds its way into our lives. My Thanksgiving shop was an eye opener! Thankfully, I redeemed myself somewhat later in the day when I made my own toilet bowl cleaner and all-purpose cleaner, using re-usable containers.

Terry stresses that she doesn’t try to tell anyone what to do, and she doesn’t attempt to “guilt trip” people into living the way she does (she brought a two-pound bag of plastic to the presentation, which represented ALL of her plastic waste for 2011). She wants to demonstrate what’s possible over time, and suggests that we start with one or two small changes and go from there. She didn’t go cold turkey and doesn’t ask that we do, either. Collectively, if we all do SOMETHING, we will make a big difference.

Terry’s book is matter-of-fact and packed with resources for plastic-free products you may not realize are available. She also shares stories of some of her heroes. If you’re thinking about reducing your environmental impact or the toxic load in your home, this book is for you!

 

The Book I Can’t Seem to Find

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In the visual, nonverbal documentary Samsara, a group of Buddhist monks perform the painstaking task of creating an ornate sand painting. Late in the movie, true to the tradition, they destroy it in order to accept the notion of impermanence. Throughout the movie, this theme occurs over and over again in many forms.

For many of us, though, our desire for some sort of immortality drives us to achieve “something” in life. We don’t want to accept our impermanence, and we don’t want to embody a sand painting that disappears upon our deaths. We want to leave a legacy, something that shows the world that we were here after we are gone. We want the world to know that we were here.

I’m not a doctor who can point to lives saved, or a teacher who made a difference in a student’s life (remember Mr. Holland’s Opus?). I’m a writer, and I suppose that for me, the desire to connect with some number of readers through books, blogging, or other writings drives me to keep going. When I visited Orchard House last year, I touched the live of Louisa May Alcott, whose books touched me as a child and endure even now. I, too, want to leave something lasting behind.

I thought about this extensively when I edited my late mother-in-law’s writings to create Patchwork & Ornament: A Woman’s Journey of Life, Love and Art. Jenny Feldman had thought about it, too, and left plenty of evidence. She researched the Feldman family tree and uncovered not just names and dates, but stories of peoples’ lives. She also left her own detailed journals reflecting on her own life. She left stacks of artwork, and I have framed and hung many fine pieces that I found wrapped in kraft paper because she got tired of trying to sell her art, but never stopped creating it. She feared that her work would end up in a dumpster (I know this because she wrote about it), and I have done everything I can to ensure that it never does. She left us with the richness of story, her kind humor, and abundant creativity.

People who have read Patchwork have talked to me about what they want to leave behind for their families. There are rich stories left unwritten that may disappear into the sands of time, but many people don’t know how to begin.

Recently I started looking for a book that would point families in the right direction of leaving a legacy. For some, that means ensuring financial security for coming generations, and there are books about that. Some Christian authors have tackled the subject in terms of leaving a family of disciples. Books on career change may be useful for people who want to change direction and leave a legacy via their career. My own interest as a writer tends toward telling family stories, but legacy could mean anything meaningful, and that covers a broad range. How do we decide what we want to share? How do we go about doing so?

I have not found a book that handles this topic. What do you think? Have you found such a book that you could recommend? If not, is this a book you might read?

 

 

Book Tuesday: Feeding Your Demons

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When we remodeled, we created a small room intended to be a guest bedroom. We had planned to put in a trundle bed. However, when we rerouted our heating system, we had to place the door in a different spot, making it impractical for a bedroom. Yes, if we need to, we can put in a cot of some kind, but for now we have made it a reading room, with two comfortable chairs and a lamp table in between.

Today I stopped joking and used the room for that purpose.

I’ve written before about how I work with fear, depression, and anger — I prefer to “dance” with them, or “invite them to tea.” However, lately that’s been easier said than done. A recent interpersonal conflict has disrupted my work, and I’ve held so much tension in my jaw that I broke one crown and dislocated another tooth (yes, I’m getting a mouth guard). It’s been a painful experience in the midst of an otherwise idyllic life. Unfortunately, I can’t say anything more about it than that. Let me just say that some people have WAY too much time on their hands.

I’ve taken appropriate action on a practical level, but I’m more concerned with what’s going on inside of me. How can I dance with this? How can I take this situation to tea? I can’t change the actions of others. I can, though, change my response. I can find inner peace. This time, though, I need a little extra help!

Enter Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict by Tsultrim Allione, which provides a five-step meditation technique known as Chod.

Allione is a former Buddhist nun who runs a retreat center in Colorado. Like me, her life was cracked open, and its trajectory radically altered, after the death of a child. Like me, it took her three marriages to find her true partner. Reading her words, I find the wisdom of someone who has “been there and done that,” who understands my inner challenges.

I went into my reading room and, iPad next to me, went through the five steps. Even with having to look at the instructions, I still had a profound experience. Here’s a summary:

  1. After breathing in the method prescribed in the book, I examined the “demon” I wanted to work on. I chose Fear, a dominating force in my life. In the conflict I mentioned, which has escalated, my greatest fear is of having my actions misunderstood and misinterpreted, then communicated to others.
  2. I “personified” the demon, which appeared to me as a fragile glass/ice man. He was translucent, pale blue, and afraid to move — much like people whose bones break easily.
  3. Asking the demon a series of questions, I discovered its need for protection and strength. He expressed a sense of separation from me.
  4. I imagined myself “feeding” the demon, which came in the form of rosy energy coming from my heart. As I did so, he transformed into a handsome, vibrant young man with clear blue eyes and porcelain skin. I asked and confirmed that he was my ally.
  5. Then I asked the ally a series of questions about how he would help and support me. He offered to alert me when something was wrong, but also to provide the strength of healthy “male” energy. He said that all I needed to do to access him was to look into his eyes.
  6. Next, I sat in stillness for a few minutes to integrate the experience.
While I don’t know yet how this meditation will help me vis a vis my current dilemma, I did feel stronger and more grounded after the meditation ended. At any rate, I think this method can be profoundly effective.
Allione also notes how we can use journaling, artwork, and partners to facilitate the process. Feeding Your Demons provides not only detailed instructions to the method (much more than I’ve outlined here), but also a series of examples of how it works in peoples’ lives. If you’re looking for a useful technique for releasing stress and emotional pain, I highly recommend this book.