Nadine Feldman, Author

celebrating strong female characters and whatever else strikes my fancy

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Changing Habits for Good?

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“You need to read this book,” my stepdaughter said, and held up The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Work by Charles Duhigg. “It will help you get off of Diet Coke.”

“That’s not what we’re talking about today,” I grumbled. We were in the U.K., it was near my bedtime, and we had arranged a Skype session to discuss something happening in her life.

Internally, though, my response was more visceral: shit, shit, shit. She’d hit a nerve, and I knew it.

I’ve tried to quit many times over the years. Once, I went as long as two years without having one, and then convinced myself I could. Have. Just. One.

We have spent maddening moments in Europe tracking down sodas when we could be using that time to, oh, I don’t know, explore a foreign country? (They’re expensive in Europe, too — wine is cheaper!) I have watched with horror as my recycle bin fills to overflowing with empty cans, evidence that’s hard to refute. Friends have sent me articles about the possible health problems from too much aspartame.

Addictions, though, are, as they say in A.A., cunning, baffling, and powerful. It wasn’t enough to know I was doing my body harm. It wasn’t enough to point out how incongruent it is to drink the stuff when the rest of my diet is filled with organic food. I read about how soda corporations drain the water supplies of poor Indian villages, and I still couldn’t quit.

When we returned from the U.K., I bought The Power of Habit and read it. It’s interesting, and a good read, helping us understand how our brains work with our habits, both good and bad. It gave me hope. It is, however, a bit lean on strategies. I needed more information.

This time I turned to Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward by James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross and Carlo C. DiClemente, Ph.D. It’s a clunky title, I know, but the book is filled with useful ideas.

For one thing, I needed some safe replacement drinks. I like kombucha, though it has some sugar. I’m drinking more tea, and one of my favorites is Rosemary Gladstar’s recipe for Root Beer Tea. I skip the stevia, because the licorice root gives it enough sweetness for me. If I want fizz, I can pour it in with some club soda.

Changing for Good recommends defining our triggers. For example, I know I want a soda when I’ve not slept well and am tired, but I also want one when I have something to celebrate. I realized this during a day when we received a lot of good news — suddenly I wanted to eat, drink, and be merry! (I didn’t.)

The authors also recommend rewarding the new behavior. Our brains like the encouragement! I started to pay myself the money I would have spent on diet soda (plus extra for each pound I lose — that’s another story). It’s fun to watch the money pile up!

I’m not foolish enough to think I’m done with diet soda for good, but it’s been nearly five weeks, and my cravings are minimal. I can change for good…one day at a time.

How about you? Have you struggled to change a habit? What did you do?

 

 

Book Tuesday: Feeding Your Demons

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When we remodeled, we created a small room intended to be a guest bedroom. We had planned to put in a trundle bed. However, when we rerouted our heating system, we had to place the door in a different spot, making it impractical for a bedroom. Yes, if we need to, we can put in a cot of some kind, but for now we have made it a reading room, with two comfortable chairs and a lamp table in between.

Today I stopped joking and used the room for that purpose.

I’ve written before about how I work with fear, depression, and anger — I prefer to “dance” with them, or “invite them to tea.” However, lately that’s been easier said than done. A recent interpersonal conflict has disrupted my work, and I’ve held so much tension in my jaw that I broke one crown and dislocated another tooth (yes, I’m getting a mouth guard). It’s been a painful experience in the midst of an otherwise idyllic life. Unfortunately, I can’t say anything more about it than that. Let me just say that some people have WAY too much time on their hands.

I’ve taken appropriate action on a practical level, but I’m more concerned with what’s going on inside of me. How can I dance with this? How can I take this situation to tea? I can’t change the actions of others. I can, though, change my response. I can find inner peace. This time, though, I need a little extra help!

Enter Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict by Tsultrim Allione, which provides a five-step meditation technique known as Chod.

Allione is a former Buddhist nun who runs a retreat center in Colorado. Like me, her life was cracked open, and its trajectory radically altered, after the death of a child. Like me, it took her three marriages to find her true partner. Reading her words, I find the wisdom of someone who has “been there and done that,” who understands my inner challenges.

I went into my reading room and, iPad next to me, went through the five steps. Even with having to look at the instructions, I still had a profound experience. Here’s a summary:

  1. After breathing in the method prescribed in the book, I examined the “demon” I wanted to work on. I chose Fear, a dominating force in my life. In the conflict I mentioned, which has escalated, my greatest fear is of having my actions misunderstood and misinterpreted, then communicated to others.
  2. I “personified” the demon, which appeared to me as a fragile glass/ice man. He was translucent, pale blue, and afraid to move — much like people whose bones break easily.
  3. Asking the demon a series of questions, I discovered its need for protection and strength. He expressed a sense of separation from me.
  4. I imagined myself “feeding” the demon, which came in the form of rosy energy coming from my heart. As I did so, he transformed into a handsome, vibrant young man with clear blue eyes and porcelain skin. I asked and confirmed that he was my ally.
  5. Then I asked the ally a series of questions about how he would help and support me. He offered to alert me when something was wrong, but also to provide the strength of healthy “male” energy. He said that all I needed to do to access him was to look into his eyes.
  6. Next, I sat in stillness for a few minutes to integrate the experience.
While I don’t know yet how this meditation will help me vis a vis my current dilemma, I did feel stronger and more grounded after the meditation ended. At any rate, I think this method can be profoundly effective.
Allione also notes how we can use journaling, artwork, and partners to facilitate the process. Feeding Your Demons provides not only detailed instructions to the method (much more than I’ve outlined here), but also a series of examples of how it works in peoples’ lives. If you’re looking for a useful technique for releasing stress and emotional pain, I highly recommend this book.