self-help

If I were to have a mantra for this year, it would be: None of My Business.

It’s hard. We’re wired as humans, and especially as women, to be helpful. And I love to help…too much, I think. Sometimes it takes the form of offering unsolicited advice. Sometimes a person asks for my advice and I give it, rather than asking questions to draw out their solutions rather than mine. Sometimes I jump in with enthusiasm to work on a project or cause before evaluating whether or not it’s a healthy environment for me.

I’m not judging. Honestly, I love the caring part of my nature. It just needs a bit of tweaking, that’s all. It’s hard to watch someone I care about self-destruct or make a poor decision that will have long-term consequences. And yet, much of the best parts of me are a direct result of lessons I learned from my own mistakes, so who am I to judge? It’s one thing to say I care about you and the choices you’re making. It’s another to keep nagging about it.

Just as all work and no play makes Jill a dull girl, inappropriate giving makes Jill an exhausted girl. Jill stops doing her own work in favor of helping someone else and gets resentful. Jill finds herself in situations where the people she’s helping haven’t been entirely transparent. And when Jill stops taking artificial stimulants, like caffeine and aspartame, Jill starts to realize just how tired she is. One day she wakes up living in paradise, but feeling depressed and depleted.

I’ve battled fatigue for most of my adult life. Medically, I have adjusted my thyroid and Vitamin D levels. I get plenty of sleep, and I eat well. I shelter my introverted self against the overstimulation of groups. And yet, I still struggle…so I cannot waste energy by helping people who are capable of helping themselves. It serves neither me nor them.

I have books to write. My parents need more help from me these days as they age. I have a garden to grow and crafts to make. If I don’t protect my energy for these projects, who will?

A few days ago someone asked me for advice about a business matter. I offered resources but gently, lovingly refused to engage, because to do so would be, in this instance, to step into the middle of a situation that does not belong to me. I said, this is none of my business. The world didn’t end, and this person thanked me for my thoughtful comments and said she understood. I am empowered.

Giving is great. Giving is fun. Giving is rewarding. I just have to learn when and how to do it in a way that doesn’t deplete me. Some things are just none of my business.

Passover is one of my favorite holidays. I have always loved the messages of freedom and possibility in the Exodus story, which is retold each year around a table with family and friends. I don’t like living without bread for eight days, but that’s another story. Freedom from bondage–well, that’s a subject that fascinates me and appears in some form in everything I write. In this sense, whether you are religious or not, Jewish or not, the Exodus holds for us a sense of possibility for our lives.

Several years ago, I conceived the idea of a small book of meditations. I would list a verse from Exodus, write about what it means to me personally, and then offer some ideas on how others could ponder these essays to find their own inner freedom. I set the book aside as other projects emerged, but periodically came back to it.

As with all of my writing projects, I experience a level of fear about putting the words “out there.” Who am I, after all, to tell others how to experience life more fully? Lord knows, I have my share of neuroses. But then, maybe the fact that I’ve manifested many dreams despite all my foibles makes me more relatable to others. I don’t really know. I do know, however, that when I act on all of my ideas, without judgment, my own life frees up even more.

In this latest form, I’ve removed “meditations” and replaced them with “musings.” As someone who taught yoga for a few years, I discovered that people are often intimidated by the concept of meditation. They think they can’t do it, or that they are always “doing it wrong.” Creating “musings” felt more playful, less daunting, more realistic for busy people who don’t have time to contemplate their navels for hours on end. I am, for better or worse, a practical woman.

Passover starts March 29 this year. I thought that in honor of the holiday, and in preparation for the Passover time of year, I would start posting segments in their current form (which means unedited) in order to share them. I have always felt strongly that this work needs to be shared without charge, that it needs to be a gift.

As I post these musings, I hope to hear from you. Do they resonate? If so, how? Did something else pop out at you that I didn’t address? What does freedom mean to you?