Nadine Feldman, Author

celebrating strong female characters and whatever else strikes my fancy

exodus

Exodus: Musings on Inner Freedom – Sections 1-3

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1:22            Then Pharoah charged all his people, saying, “Every boy that is born you shall throw into the Nile, but let every girl live.”

Pharoah gave this initial order to the Hebrew midwives in order to cut down the growing Israelite population. Can you imagine, working to bring new life into the world, and then having to destroy it? Naturally, the midwives refused. Pharoah or no Pharoah, don’t mess with women and babies. Frustrated, Pharoah then directs the order to all the Egyptian people.

Pharoah’s reaction seems like an overreaction to me, but he felt he had to take strong action in order to stay in charge. By killing boys, though, he hurt himself by risking the loss of muscle of future male slaves, all in the name of protecting his power. It’s also interesting that he didn’t punish the midwives that refused his orders—one of the many confusing aspects of Exodus, where some parts of the story just don’t add up.

But then, our lives and our logic don’t always add up, either. Mine certainly doesn’t. We may often “kill” in order to protect ourselves. We don’t kill people, of course (let’s hope not, anyway), but we do something in the guise of punishing someone else, when we’re really punishing ourselves. It’s the old “cut off your nose to spite your face” concept.

For example, we may get a promotion, but then sabotage ours new success. We pick a fight in a wonderful relationship, ending it because we are afraid of intimacy, afraid of getting to close.

Pharoahs proliferate in the corporate world, surrounding themselves with “yes men” or incompetent employees rather than engaging in a healthy debate with employees and seeking their innovative ideas. Some supervisors and managers believe that employees need to be controlled, not managed, and are squirm in their seats when someone challenges the status quo. I am not referring to the grumpy employee who just wants everyone around him or her to be miserable, but the creative employee who sees different ways of doing things, who can bring needed change to the corporation. As I write this, we are in a major recession, and the auto industry is an example of how an inability to adapt and grow can have devastating consequences. Many other companies disappeared because they didn’t stay up to date or listen to new ideas..

In order to be free human beings, we need to free ourselves of the Pharoahs of our lives, both internal and external. If we have a Pharoah boss, then we need to make sure we staying out of debt and save money to keep our options open. If we are hampered more by our internal Pharoahs, then we need to identify them and learn how to detach from their power over us.

My own inner Pharoahs have done far more damage than the external ones. I have sabotaged both career opportunities and relationships. Fortunately, I have learned different behaviors over the years.

The saddest example I can offer is the decades-long denial of my longing to write. During a long illness, I lost my ability to write and felt terrified at the prospect of having wasted time and talent. I made a rare bargain with God at that point and swore that if my abilities ever came back, I would stop squandering them. I was given a second chance, for which I am grateful—and I have kept my promise. Still, at midlife I feel as though I am playing catch-up, trying to build skills and complete old ideas as fast as I can.

Musings on Your Pharoahs

What are the Pharoahs in your life? Are they internal or external? Write down what this Pharoah wants to kill in you. Be as specific as possible. Spend some time with this, and breathe and feel whatever comes up for you. Do any pictures emerge? What does Pharoah look like? Sound like? Smell like? When does he show up, and how does he set about killing your strength?

Keeping a pen and paper nearby, pick one of the Pharoahs to examine with interest. As you breathe, affirm “life” on the inhale, “release Pharoah” on the exhale. Don’t try to solve your dilemma, just breathe and affirm. If ideas come to you, go ahead and jot them down in a word or two on the paper, then return to whatever you were doing.

Return to this exercise periodically, and when you’re ready, answers will come. They may also come in the shower or on a walk or when you least expect it. You may even want to take a little recorder with you on a walk if you like.

2:10            I drew him out of the water. (Pharoah’s daughter)

Pharoah’s daughter took a brave risk, one that would change the course of history. Why did she do it? Something compelled her to defy her father. Perhaps she felt a maternal instinct to nurture and protect.

Maybe Pharoah’s daughter was young enough to think that she wouldn’t get caught, or if she got caught wouldn’t get into trouble. We will never know for sure. When she pulled Moses from the water, Pharoah’s daughter, who remains nameless, decided to take her chances. In our modern American culture, daughters are often viewed as wrapping their daddies around their finger, but Pharoah’s daughter came from a different culture and time, and we could surmise that if she had gotten caught, punishment could have been swift and severe.

In her act of kindness and generosity, Pharoah’s daughter acted as an independent adult, making her own decision. By taking a risk, she matured, becoming her own person, with her own identity beyond that of someone’s daughter.

We draw something out of ourselves when we birth a new idea, plan, or goal. To deepen our self-understanding, we often have to reach inside ourselves to find or strengthen a quality we perhaps didn’t know existed. We have to be willing to take a risk, and often that risk centers around the possible disapproval of others. When we do that, we feel the exhilaration of life, a moment of complete and full presence in this physical experience. Distractions fall away, and our path becomes clear. Empowered, we gain confidence to complete our task and to propel us to new ones.

This is not necessarily a linear process. Imagine, if you will, Moses floating in his basket down the Nile. The water laps gently around him, and the basket moves forward and back, rocking him to sleep with the water’s rhythm. When we give birth to ourselves, we too will rock back and forth. Some ideas take longer to birth, and sometimes the water feels more like ocean waves in a hurricane than a lullaby.

Sometimes we feel resistance with an unexpected violence—sleeplessness, anxiety, numbness, headaches, even the flu. There is a common misconception that if something isn’t easy to achieve, it’s not the right path for us. A smooth, effortless path is a lovely thing when it happens, and I’m not averse to it. However, obstacles sometimes indicate the need for internal strengthening to occur, that would not occur without a little bit of struggle.

This doesn’t give us license to create drama and more difficulty than we need, though. We clear our minds. We draw out of ourselves what we need for each task, for each moment, for each day. If it feels like a struggle, we stay with it and accept it; if it is easy, we can be grateful. We do our best and know that the waters will lap us back and forth, to and fro. If we persist, if we see each small task toward a goal as a small and necessary birth of its own, then we will draw from our water what Pharoah’s daughter did: the gift of self-sufficiency.

For Your Musing Pleasure

Imagine, if you will, that you are standing at the side of a riverbank. You see something coming toward you, and you realize that it is a basket. As it comes closer, there is a baby inside. When the basket comes close enough, reach out and bring it toward you, and hold the baby in your arms. As you do so, continue breathing and letting go.

If this baby were a dream of yours, what would it represent? Breathe and listen, and of course, don’t worry if something doesn’t emerge today. Just breathe, listen, and be open to whatever comes up.

Hold the baby and rock it in your arms. Gently murmur to it as you would a real baby. Tell the baby that you will care for it, nurture it, love it; that it is safe. Reassure the baby that you will help it grow into whatever it is meant to be.

Now, continue to hold the baby and be silent, breathing and loving the child. Let it speak to you only if it wants to. Stay here for as long as you want to or are able, and allow any feelings to emerge. For some, especially those of you who were not nurtured properly yourselves, there may be sadness or pain. If that’s the case, just let the feelings emerge, crying if you need to. Or, you may feel happy, and in that case, just bask in the glow. For some of us, that’s harder than feeling pain!

Know that you are reconnecting with an important part of yourself. As you feel ready, return and journal any part of your experience that is meaningful to you. You may return to this meditation as often as you like, knowing that each time, you may have a different experience.

2:23            The Israelites were groaning under the bondage and cried out; and their cry for help from the bondage rose up to God.

As our story continues, the Israelites want to be free. No one actually knows how long the Israelites were enslaved, but various reports say eighty years or several generations. Of course, these numbers may be arbitrary or symbolic. This is a curious situation. How were they enslaved in the first place? Why did the generation of that eightieth year choose to rebel? Maybe they felt that they had enough people to fight their oppressors. Maybe they were just mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Maybe they had been groaning under the bondage for a very long time. All we know is that as a group, they were ready for a change.

What does this have to do with us?

Our own personal enslavement may seep in unnoticed and then go on for years without even being recognized or acknowledged. We don’t like our jobs, but we assume that it’s normal to hate one’s work, and hey, the money’s good. We have a sucky marriage, but all men (or women) are jerks, and, well, it’s hell to be alone. You get the idea. We sacrifice bits and pieces of ourselves, even when the situation goes way beyond the normal compromises and negotiations of life.

Then one morning we wake with some sort of longing. All of a sudden we see our surroundings with new and clearer eyesight, and we don’t like what we see. Something is missing. Our mortality hits us, and we worry about how much time we have left. We may fight and resist that question for a time, telling ourselves that we are asking for too much, shouldn’t we be happy with what we have and count our blessings?

Yes, counting our blessings matters. This helps to keep our lives in perspective,, especially if we have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. At the same time, though, if we don’t acknowledge our discontent, it may grow and take over our lives in a sudden, dramatic, and excessive fashion. Think midlife crisis, though it can happen at any age. We run off for a quickie divorce when marriage counseling might have saved the marriage. We sabotage our work and get fired instead of fixing the problem or training for something we’d rather do for a living.

When we have that pivotal moment where our lives need to shift, we can then cry out to God, offering a prayer for change. We ask for help because we don’t know what to do; this desire is new and uncomfortable, and may even feel selfish. All we know is that things cannot continue as they have, because awareness has opened our eyes.

This need for change does not necessarily mean we quit our jobs and run off to the mountaintops (although that does seem to work for some people). Sometimes we just need a vacation, or to allow ourselves a little more pampering on a regular basis. Recently Henry and I bought a house. We put offers on four homes before we ended up with the right one, and it was stressful. At one point Henry started talking extremes, like maybe moving to Holland! After a conversation, we determined a less extreme solution—for me to take over the negotiations for a time.

Still, we have recognized that something is wrong. We feel our bondage and cry out for help. Acknowledging and accepting that change is coming, we can open ourselves to the next step.

Musings on Our Bondage

Make sure you have plenty of paper and a pen for writing. Begin by centering yourself and taking some long, deep breaths. Close your eyes at first and ask yourself the question, “How am I in bondage?” Breathe and listen for any answers that may arise. Chances are you already know, but in a quiet, centered state you may be surprised.

After you have some clarity about the issue you’re working with, open your eyes and begin to write about the bondage. How does it feel? What does it look like? When does it happen? Take a few minutes to describe it as completely as possible.

Then write all the reasons you think you have no right to a better situation. Things like, “This was good enough for my Aunt Jane, so it should be good enough for me,” or “But I was raised to be nice, so I’m not supposed to think this way,” or “I could never make a living doing ________, so I shouldn’t even be thinking about it.”

Once you have spent some time trying to talk yourself out of getting free, close your eyes again. Take some more deep breaths and settle in to silence. Begin to imagine what your life would look like if you were free from this bondage. What does that look like? How does it feel? Try to find as much or even more detail about freedom as you did about bondage.

Allow yourself to come back into the room, and write down anything else that you want to express. Later on, if anything else emerges in your daily life, keep a small notebook handy and continue to jot down impressions.

In Like a Lion, In Like a Lamb: Whatever, as Long as it’s In

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A new story entices me. I hear, from time to time, brief whispers of phrases, sentences, dialogue. I glimpse a character or two, milky ghosts that have not yet taken form. March, I had promised myself, would bring a new story in like a lion. Several years ago, when a long illness took away my writing for a time, I learned to keep my promises. My mind, programmed with “March,” is starting to work. Perhaps I need to rethink March–I’m ready now.

In the meantime, I have felt in limbo. Our recent move kept me preoccupied, but now the largest tasks are complete, and the rest can be handled in the nooks and crannies of my week. Returning to the writing routine has been gradual, tentative. I feel a lull, a postpartum depression after completing Patchwork and Blood and Loam, two big projects, at nearly the same time. Yet, I write. A blog here, an article there–two articles last week. I queried an agent about my novel. I tinkered with Exodus and posted the introduction last week. These are necessary tasks that keep my fingers on the keyboards. They feel like scales on the piano. Since I am a tactile person, I “think” with my fingers. The more I type, the more I awaken slumbering ideas.

Wakening my storyteller also involves relaxing and playing. I’m a stout-hearted Midwesterner with a Puritan work ethic, so relaxing and playing do not come naturally. I have to coax myself. Yet this week I have booked a facial (a reward for losing five pounds) and a massage. We are off soon to Costa Rica and a nature-filled adventure. All of these things help me dial down my natural intensity so I can put my imagination onto the page instead of into the intrigues of my life.

I’ve learned, however, that satisfying the work ethic helps me write, too. To that end I have worked extensively in the garden, building a raised bed, fertilizing, mulching, and finally, planting. The combination of physical labor and digging my hands in the dirt reminds me that stories spring like seedlings, and, if well tended, grow into tall tomatoes, exquisite flowering bushes that invite butterflies and hummingbirds, and abundant herbs that, when picked, grow even more.

People who want to write but don’t often say they are waiting for inspiration. Then, they think books will write themselves. Well, sometimes that happens, and I’m certainly open to the concept. For me, though, writing involves a regular, daily practice of writing, study, and doing those things that feed the writer within. Some days, inspiration comes, but most days I put one foot in front of the other, keeping faith that the work will bear fruit. Perhaps March will not come in like a lion, but a lamb…that would be fine, as long as I am writing at all. I welcome the advent of spring and its newness, and the new creation that wants to be born.

Exodus: Musings on Inner Freedom – Introduction

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The following is from a manuscript I’m currently working on. It is meant to be a gift that is shared freely. I still consider it a work in progress, but I think it’s time to “put it out there.” I hope you enjoy!

Freedom. What is it? How do we get more of it when we live in a fast-paced world where so many demands are made on our time? What are the internal and external blocks that affect our ability to be free, and how do we let them go?

I spent decades of my life trying to answer these questions. In the process, my life has taken some interesting twists and turns, and while I would never suggest that I have the absolute truth, I can take credit for making progress in my understanding.

In my personal journey, I have used traditional and non-traditional therapies, yoga, and spiritual approaches. In the process, I often read and was inspired by the book of Exodus in The Bible. The story of Moses compels me because he had his own set of problems. He struggled. He questioned. He made mistakes. He even tried making excuses. Human and flawed, he managed to overcome his perceived limitations to gain a position of leadership and strength.

I wondered what might happen if I contemplated Exodus more deeply. What would I learn about where I’ve come from and where I have yet to go? As I studied each verse, I often felt surprised by what emerged.

I am not a Biblical scholar, nor am I an expert on the actual history of the Exodus story. This text takes a metaphorical approach rather than an academic one. I also didn’t want to get into debates about any symbolism in the text that has already been written. That’s a more scholarly pursuit. Instead, I searched for an interpretation that came from the heart. I hope that, as you explore the words and let them sift around in your own heart, you will come to your own conclusions, perhaps radically different from mine. Rather than a “how to” book, I invite you to see it as the beginning of a dialogue to your own inner truth.

How does an ancient story hold relevance in our modern lives? We have modern conveniences and modern challenges. Yet if you have picked up this book, perhaps there exists a longing within you for something more, or something different. Despite all the freedoms we have as we live in the United States or other democratic countries, we may feel enslaved to a job, a lifestyle, a relationship, or something else that drains us. Our lives may look great on the outside, but inside we are dying from unrealized dreams, unresolved pain, or fear.

In my own experience, each time I have unhooked myself from self-enslavement, I have noticed increased energy and vibrancy. The process hasn’t been easy. It involved experiencing a long and difficult “dark night of the soul” that included debilitating illness, financial problems, infertility, and the end of a marriage I thought would last forever. Further, I have felt the inner enslavement of anxiety that once blocked me from having any joy. The journey never ends, but in healing and release, I have gained strength.

Breaking the bondage of slavery is courageous and challenging work that can generate powerful emotions. At times you may want to throw the book across the room or in the nearest dumpster. Reading a passage may make you sleepy, or you suddenly find you “don’t have the time” to work with one of the exercises. These are important moments to pay attention to—it means you are close to a discovery about your own psyche that wants to hide, to resist, to protect itself.

Exodus teaches us, in part, that freedom takes time, and it’s okay to put the book away for a while and pick it up later. It’s okay not to read it in a particular order. Freedom involves exercising choice, and if you choose to not follow the “plan,” then follow your own good judgment. Adapt the book in whatever way suits your intuition and heart. The more you reflect, the more you will find your own path to freedom, anyway. The exercises are just ways to help you get started.

I started thinking about the concept of “musings” because people tell me all the time that they can’t meditate.            The most common reason people give me is, “I can’t get my mind quiet.” Well, join the club. We are human, and our minds by nature leap and jump constantly. Absolute stillness is not a requirement or even a goal for a successful meditation. However, I recognize that the very word conjures up intimidating images for some people.

If we’re musing, though, we take that pressure off of ourselves. If our minds drift away for a moment or two or ten, so what? In fact, in the state of musing, our minds may need to jump around in order to find the answers we’re looking for. We allow ourselves to be less lofty and more curious and open. We experiment, and if something doesn’t work, we don’t worry about it. So let’s take that approach, that we are musing, exploring, dabbling, dipping our toes into the water and watching the ripples.

This book is not aimed to appeal to any particular religion. I have tried to convey concepts and principles in a general way that is accessible to anyone, regardless of your background. As in 12-Step programs, take what you want and leave the rest. If you do not agree with something I’ve written, please try to frame it in a way that works for you. This book should be a living, breathing document that helps you find certainty in your own personal truth. If references to God bother you, then look for a place in your own heart. I speak in the language of someone who believes God exists, but that is not essential to gain benefit from this book.

When we find freedom in our lives, this doesn’t mean that life will not have pain or that you will have no more difficulties. It does mean that you will make wiser and more conscious choices to “change the things you can,” and that you will have deeper strength to “accept the things you cannot change.” You will find ways to transform life’s difficulties into experiences rich with meaning and even joy. You will experience all of life more fully and vividly, feeling the rich palette of God-given emotions without shame, and you will know when and how to express those emotions appropriately.

As a creative person myself, I will write a great deal about creativity, but you do not have to be an artist to use this book. Life itself is a creative adventure, and whatever your career or path in life, creative skills will serve you well. Sometimes creativity is required just to pay the rent each month! As creativity grows, so does our confidence, knowing that we can handle any situation that life brings our way.

There are 52 sections to this book, one for each week. Because 52 verses cannot begin to tell the full tale of the Exodus story, I suggest reading the complete story in the Bible, either before or during the process of doing the exercises contained in this book. It’s a fascinating read, as are many of the Biblical stories.

The Jews tell the story of the Exodus from Egypt every year at Passover. In our experience at the seder table, with family and friends, we experience the Exodus as though it is happening in present time. During Passover, we are all slaves in Egypt. This is what I invite you to do in the pages that follow: recognize that this story is relevant for our time, and that right now we are all slaves in one way or another. We could be a slave to a particular food or drink, or to cigarettes, or to the job—we humans have an infinite capacity to allow ourselves to be enslaved. By bringing the story to present time, we can begin to claim our freedom, bit by bit. We may, like the Israelites, wander in the desert for a long time. We may feel the fear that we will not be provided for. We may feel desperately alone in the world. Still, there will be moments when truth will rain on us like manna from heaven, and we will be deeply fed. All of the moments, whether moments of lack or abundance, are significant and valuable.

Oh, yes, one more thing before we get into some musing details. I’m not here to make you a better person. I believe you already are wonderful, so this is not about self-improvement. It’s about self-discovery, about removing the layers of muck, disappointment, and despair that keep us stuck, to find the shiny, lovely being that’s already there. And I am not the person with the answers. I will explore the questions with you so you can find your own answers. Although I’ve taught yoga, I do not believe in any guru except the one within you that is connected to the ultimate guru that is God. Yes, finding teachers along the way can be helpful, illuminating even, but ultimately we have to make our own decisions and trust our own wisdom. Feel free to disagree with me anywhere along the way, but use that disagreement to forge your own unique path. Let that disagreement allow you to explore what works for you.

Guidelines to Keep Musings Playful and Fun

We’re all busy people, but there is always time for musing. We muse all the time, really, in the shower, on the way to work, as we fall asleep, or a myriad of other moments throughout the day.

If you’re doing the exercises in this book, you may want to set up a more formal musing time. That’s up to you. You may decide to read the essays and just ponder them throughout your day, and that’s fine. But if you decide to create a few moments in a day for nothing but musing, here are a few guidelines that will make you more comfortable:

Dress comfortably, removing belts or other restrictive clothing and jewelry. You can sit or lie. If you are sitting in a chair, make sure your feet touch the floor and that legs remain uncrossed. You are more than welcome to sit on the floor if you can do so, but make sure your knees are below your hips. If they are not, then sit on as many cushions as necessary to create this alignment.

Let’s talk a moment about sitting in general. You’ll want to find your sitting bones, and you can do that by gently rocking back and forth and side to side to center yourself on them. You can even use your hands to draw the fleshy part of the buttocks back so that you can feel the centered place. Sit up tall. When you’re breathing, make sure you are drawing the navel in toward the spine on the exhale, and this will help keep your spine straight.

Take notice of what your shoulders are doing, too. It may be helpful to bring them forward, up, back, and down to avoid slumping. Then reconnect with your spine to make sure that these movements haven’t disrupted the posture you have already established. If the shoulders are slightly back and down, your chest will be open.

All of these alignment tips are designed to allow the breath to flow freely. When you breathe, breathe in and out through the nose unless instructed otherwise. If you like, you can constrict the throat ever so slightly (don’t tense up) to create an ocean wave sound in the back of the throat. If your breathing becomes labored, that’s too much. This breath, called the ujjayi or victorious breath, requires practice, so don’t worry if you can’t do it at first. It is a powerful breathing practice, though, that can be transforming.

So, okay, since we’re musing, keep in mind that you can also stretch out in your favorite easy chair. You may fall asleep, but a refreshing nap can be great for musing, especially since so many people are sleep deprived. If this book does nothing but slow you down enough to get some much-needed rest, then I’m thrilled, because that will do you more good than anything I might tell you.

Focus on your breathing to help you relax and unwind. Deep inhales and exhales done through the nose quiets the brain and helps you connect with all those wonderful, creative ideas that are about to burst forth from you. Even if you’re cooking dinner during your musings, you can use your breath to connect.

Do not be daunted by a list of rules and must-dos. You’re setting yourself free here, and most of us live under too many rules as it is. Let this be a time when you set the rules and change them whenever you want! Let this be a place where you can think whatever you want, dream whatever you want, and just enjoy the pleasure of your own company. While this may sound odd when used in conjunction with a Bible (or Charlton Heston as Moses, especially when he gets on the Israelites for worshipping the golden calf), I believe that we serve ourselves, and our God, better when we treat ourselves with lightness and ease. My yoga students, no matter how much I tried to tell them otherwise, often tried to push and strain themselves into a pose, instead of relaxing, breathing, and gently coaxing themselves. Guess which approach works better?

Coming Next Week: Exodus, Musings on Inner Freedom

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Passover is one of my favorite holidays. I have always loved the messages of freedom and possibility in the Exodus story, which is retold each year around a table with family and friends. I don’t like living without bread for eight days, but that’s another story. Freedom from bondage–well, that’s a subject that fascinates me and appears in some form in everything I write. In this sense, whether you are religious or not, Jewish or not, the Exodus holds for us a sense of possibility for our lives.

Several years ago, I conceived the idea of a small book of meditations. I would list a verse from Exodus, write about what it means to me personally, and then offer some ideas on how others could ponder these essays to find their own inner freedom. I set the book aside as other projects emerged, but periodically came back to it.

As with all of my writing projects, I experience a level of fear about putting the words “out there.” Who am I, after all, to tell others how to experience life more fully? Lord knows, I have my share of neuroses. But then, maybe the fact that I’ve manifested many dreams despite all my foibles makes me more relatable to others. I don’t really know. I do know, however, that when I act on all of my ideas, without judgment, my own life frees up even more.

In this latest form, I’ve removed “meditations” and replaced them with “musings.” As someone who taught yoga for a few years, I discovered that people are often intimidated by the concept of meditation. They think they can’t do it, or that they are always “doing it wrong.” Creating “musings” felt more playful, less daunting, more realistic for busy people who don’t have time to contemplate their navels for hours on end. I am, for better or worse, a practical woman.

Passover starts March 29 this year. I thought that in honor of the holiday, and in preparation for the Passover time of year, I would start posting segments in their current form (which means unedited) in order to share them. I have always felt strongly that this work needs to be shared without charge, that it needs to be a gift.

As I post these musings, I hope to hear from you. Do they resonate? If so, how? Did something else pop out at you that I didn’t address? What does freedom mean to you?