Nadine Feldman, Author

celebrating strong female characters and whatever else strikes my fancy

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How Are You? Life in the Age of Coronavirus

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In the middle of March we fled New York City, where we’d spent the winter while the kitchen in our Hudson Valley house was being remodeled. I figured we’d be away for a few weeks until the hubbub died down. It’s mid-July and we haven’t yet returned.

Here in the rural Hudson Valley, we have zero active cases of Coronavirus, but we have not forgotten the horrors of springtime here. I still haven’t gotten a haircut, even though I can (the husband is getting one on Friday, so we’re getting there). When I’m out on my walks, locals have no problem wearing masks or keeping their distance.

Our lives have changed far less than many of our our loved ones. We both worked at home and are fairly introverted. My husband still has his job. And yet, we are anxious, as most are. We worry about friends and family in Texas and Florida, where cases are spiking. We worry about those who are hungry or fear being so.

Anyway, I wanted to say hello to any of you who happen to read this blog. I am thinking of you and hoping you are all well and safe. I have other posts to make for the future about Jane, the Factory Girl, but it seemed most important to me, as I return to the blog and other social media, to just tell you I care. We will get through this somehow, but it’s easier when we get through this together.

Sending hugs to all.

None of My Business

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If I were to have a mantra for this year, it would be:  None of My Business.

It’s hard. We’re wired as humans, and especially as women, to be helpful. And I love to help…too much, I think. Sometimes it takes the form of offering unsolicited advice. Sometimes a person asks for my advice and I give it, rather than asking questions to draw out their solutions rather than mine. Sometimes I jump in with enthusiasm to work on a project or cause before evaluating whether or not it’s a healthy environment for me.

I’m not judging. Honestly, I love the caring part of my nature. It just needs a bit of tweaking, that’s all. It’s hard to watch someone I care about self-destruct or make a poor decision that will have long-term consequences. And yet, much of the best parts of me are a direct result of lessons I learned from my own mistakes, so who am I to judge? It’s one thing to say I care about you and the choices you’re making. It’s another to keep nagging about it.

Just as all work and no play makes Jill a dull girl, inappropriate giving makes Jill an exhausted girl. Jill stops doing her own work in favor of helping someone else and gets resentful. Jill finds herself in situations where the people she’s helping haven’t been entirely transparent. And when Jill stops taking artificial stimulants, like caffeine and aspartame, Jill starts to realize just how tired she is. One day she wakes up living in paradise, but feeling depressed and depleted.

I’ve battled fatigue for most of my adult life. Medically, I have adjusted my thyroid and Vitamin D levels. I get plenty of sleep, and I eat well. I shelter my introverted self against the overstimulation of groups. And yet, I still struggle…so I cannot waste energy by helping people who are capable of helping themselves. It serves neither me nor them.

I have books to write. My parents need more help from me these days as they age. I have a garden to grow and crafts to make. If I don’t protect my energy for these projects, who will?

A few days ago someone asked me for advice about a business matter. I offered resources but gently, lovingly refused to engage, because to do so would be, in this instance, to step into the middle of a situation that does not belong to me. I said, this is none of my business. The world didn’t end, and this person thanked me for my thoughtful comments and said she understood. I am empowered.

Giving is great. Giving is fun. Giving is rewarding. I just have to learn when and how to do it in a way that doesn’t deplete me. Some things are just none of my business.

 

Changing Habits for Good?

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“You need to read this book,” my stepdaughter said, and held up The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Work by Charles Duhigg. “It will help you get off of Diet Coke.”

“That’s not what we’re talking about today,” I grumbled. We were in the U.K., it was near my bedtime, and we had arranged a Skype session to discuss something happening in her life.

Internally, though, my response was more visceral: shit, shit, shit. She’d hit a nerve, and I knew it.

I’ve tried to quit many times over the years. Once, I went as long as two years without having one, and then convinced myself I could. Have. Just. One.

We have spent maddening moments in Europe tracking down sodas when we could be using that time to, oh, I don’t know, explore a foreign country? (They’re expensive in Europe, too — wine is cheaper!) I have watched with horror as my recycle bin fills to overflowing with empty cans, evidence that’s hard to refute. Friends have sent me articles about the possible health problems from too much aspartame.

Addictions, though, are, as they say in A.A., cunning, baffling, and powerful. It wasn’t enough to know I was doing my body harm. It wasn’t enough to point out how incongruent it is to drink the stuff when the rest of my diet is filled with organic food. I read about how soda corporations drain the water supplies of poor Indian villages, and I still couldn’t quit.

When we returned from the U.K., I bought The Power of Habit and read it. It’s interesting, and a good read, helping us understand how our brains work with our habits, both good and bad. It gave me hope. It is, however, a bit lean on strategies. I needed more information.

This time I turned to Changing for Good: A Revolutionary Six-Stage Program for Overcoming Bad Habits and Moving Your Life Positively Forward by James O. Prochaska, John C. Norcross and Carlo C. DiClemente, Ph.D. It’s a clunky title, I know, but the book is filled with useful ideas.

For one thing, I needed some safe replacement drinks. I like kombucha, though it has some sugar. I’m drinking more tea, and one of my favorites is Rosemary Gladstar’s recipe for Root Beer Tea. I skip the stevia, because the licorice root gives it enough sweetness for me. If I want fizz, I can pour it in with some club soda.

Changing for Good recommends defining our triggers. For example, I know I want a soda when I’ve not slept well and am tired, but I also want one when I have something to celebrate. I realized this during a day when we received a lot of good news — suddenly I wanted to eat, drink, and be merry! (I didn’t.)

The authors also recommend rewarding the new behavior. Our brains like the encouragement! I started to pay myself the money I would have spent on diet soda (plus extra for each pound I lose — that’s another story). It’s fun to watch the money pile up!

I’m not foolish enough to think I’m done with diet soda for good, but it’s been nearly five weeks, and my cravings are minimal. I can change for good…one day at a time.

How about you? Have you struggled to change a habit? What did you do?

 

 

The Trouble With Resolutions

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One of the fun things about blogging is that I’m always meeting new people in the blogosphere. This is especially important this week, because I’m writing about weight loss…but as you know if you read my work regularly, I have a lot on my mind about many subjects, so I’ll be leaving this topic after today. For ongoing support, take a look at Inspired Weight Loss, which is providing a great service to the online community. Go visit Patsy and friends, and you won’t be sorry.

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The trouble with resolutions is keeping them. I started my weight loss resolution in December because I didn’t want to put on yet another pound over the holidays. So far, so good. However, here are the facts: I am basically where I was this time last year, within less than a pound. I started 2011 with the same good intentions, and it fell apart.

One of my guilty pleasures is watching The Biggest Loser. Even though I have never had a lot of weight to lose, I do know that my personal issues have often kept me from living to my highest potential. As I watch the contestants work through their fears and unresolved pain, I see hope for myself. It also inspires me to keep working out when I don’t feel like it! Anyway, this season they are focusing on “no excuses,” so I thought I would confess mine (you may relate!), along with strategies for overcoming those excuses.

  1. I have too much going on — There’s never a good time to lose weight. Life is always happening! I think the key is to see healthful eating and exercising as necessary fuel to get through the stressors that come at us at all times.
  2. I have perimenopausal mood swings — At 53, I’m getting damned sick of this one. I am STILL having periods, though they are at least getting more erratic. With them come tears for no reason, dark moods, and irritability. During these times, the last thing I want to do is have a salad. Bring on the cake! To counter this one, I meditate more, take my Omega 3 supplements, and nourish my system with herbal infusions. I write down whatever is upsetting or confusing. I let myself have a good cry. And yes, I have some chocolate — but in small amounts, and only the dark kind. It really satisfies my cravings without blowing the diet.
  3. I hit plateaus — It’s harder to lose weight than it used to be, so I get discouraged easily. Last year I got sick of trying. It seemed as though it didn’t matter whether I ate like crazy or didn’t, my weight was about the same. I’m hoping that by tweaking my fitness regimen and measuring my food, I’ll be able to break through plateaus this year. I’m also willing to go to Weight Watchers meetings if need be to get support and help.
  4. It’s hard to lose weight when traveling — I covered most of my nutritional strategies a few days ago, so I won’t repeat them here. I have gotten much better. Sometimes I still get fooled and order something less healthy than it looked on the menu, but I’m doing my best, and that’s what matters. As they say in 12-Step programs, “progress, not perfection.”
  5. All or nothing — It’s easy to give up when I have had a “slip” and eaten too much. It’s important to take things one day at a time. If I fall, I can forgive myself, and get up the next day and begin again.
  6. Fear of success — And this, folks, is the winner. Every time I have come close to my goal weight, I’ve been scared about just how darn good I look. I have a lot of thoughts about this subject…so I’ll revisit this one soon in more detail.

What about you? What are or have been your excuses? How do you counter them?

Weight Loss Exercise Strategies

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For those of us who are 50+, our fitness levels are as different as snowflakes. Some of us are strong and healthy, while others have mobility challenges and joint problems. As you read this post, please remember to take precious care of yourselves and see a doctor before beginning any new activities.

When we pass age 40, and even more at age 50, our bodies start to lose muscle mass. This makes weight loss more challenging as our metabolism slows. Any exercise program at our age must include a certain amount of strength training to rebuild muscle mass and thus increase our metabolism.

Also, after suffering from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from 1996-2001 (with occasional flare-ups for a few years after that), I have learned something interesting about my body. It is essential that when doing cardio, I don’t allow my heart rate to go above that magical 80% of maximum. If I do so, even after all these years of feeling great, I have a flare-up. If I stay within my guidelines and use a heart monitor, no problem. This may be useful advice for you, too, even if you are healthy!

My current physical condition is good, as evidenced by my ability to hike for up to eight hours a day up Swiss mountainsides. The good news is that I’m strong. The question is, then, what do I need in my daily routine in order to lose weight?

My favorite forms of exercise are walking and yoga, both of which have a strong mind-body component to them. I will keep them both around because of the mental health benefits, even though both are great as physical activities. If you’re new to exercise, start with walking, which doesn’t cost any money and is unlikely to cause injury. If you want to try yoga but are 50+ and inflexible, start with a gentle class. I was chatting with a technician recently at the medical clinic who told me she was doing the video Yoga For The Rest of Us. She does her poses in a chair because she can’t yet get on the floor. I think that’s a fantastic place to begin, especially if you have mobility issues.

For me, though, to lose weight I have to do a little more. First, I started to intensify my aerobic activity. My favorite aerobic videos are by Ellen Barrett, who combines pilates, yoga, and calesthenics with aerobic dance to create a fun mind-body workout that feels easier than it actually is. Although Ellen isn’t 50+ and doesn’t market specifically to the 50+ crowd, I would recommend them highly as a safe workout if you’re in good health. I own (almost) every video she’s done since. She’s an absolute treasure!

By the way, if you have an iPad, you can download the FitnessClass app and watch Ellen’s videos there. I take her with me when we travel. At home, we have Apple TV, so I can open the video in the iPad and then send the video to our TV. We’re geeky in our household, what can I say?

To improve strength, try out Eight Weeks to a Younger Body by Joan Pagano. In this book, you create a customized workout of cardio, stretch, and strength. My only caution here is to check with your doctor, especially if you have knee problems, before combining a stepper with weights. You will need some equipment for these workouts, but do the tests before buying anything.

How often to work out? Currently I do cardio 5-6 times per week at about 45 minutes per session. I exercise in the morning after my breakfast digests. Some recommend exercising before breakfast, but that doesn’t work for me — so find what’s right for you. When I had a corporate job, I exercised on my lunch hour or in the evening.

My strength training combines cardio with it, so that’s included in the cardio frequency. I do strength training 2-3 times per week. I do yoga in the afternoons after I’m done with my work, and it allows me to transition from the workday.

Your workouts may vary. If you’re not exercising, I encourage you to begin. The dividends will pay off in better sleep, improved mood, and weight loss.

Okay, so I’ve given you my eating and exercise plan. The only thing left to do is talk about…sabotage. More about that tomorrow!

Love Your Body Day

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Today is “Love Your Body Day,” and this post is part of the 2011 Love Your Body Day Blog Carnival. Starting today, the blogs of those of us participating in the carnival will start to appear on this link:  http://www.now.org/news/blogs/index.php/sayit/2011/10/19/lybd-blog-…

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On our last trip, when I worked my way through airport security, a TSA employee asked to check a zippered pocket in the leg of my quick-dry capris. She asked me a curious question: do you have any pain in the leg?

“No, of course not,” I said with a certain defensiveness. I have no idea what caused her to ask the question, but in the moment I said to myself, “She thinks I look old.”

Recently, in Seattle, we bought an ice cream with friends and crossed the street to a park to eat it. A young girl started to harass me. I sensed that she had some sort of mental problem — her speech and demeanor indicated such — and I just tried to get out of her way. Another girl with her came to my rescue, telling the problem child, “You show respect for your elders.” I wanted to say, “Who are you talking about?”

When I look in the mirror, I seldom see my age. Certainly I don’t feel it as we scoot up mountains with our trekking poles, sometimes hiking for hours at a time. And yet the feedback I’m getting indicates that others see something different. I know that my face looks lived in, from some old acne scars of teen-aged years, to the lines along the sides of my mouth, to some puffiness under the eyelids. In an odd nod to vanity, I have kept my forehead covered with bangs for years, since I have had fairly deep lines there for some time.

My hair, which I stopped coloring two years ago, shows a lot of silver peeking through, with the rest of my hair returning to the blonde of my childhood as it heads toward white. My body carries some extra weight in the belly as it fights to hold on to estrogen.

And yet I feel more beautiful than I ever did when I was young.

Why would I want to look twenty again? When I look back on those years, I see a woman in pain, who didn’t like how she looked or who she was. I was unformed as a woman. These days I feel like I’m just starting to get interesting. My joys, my sorrows, the richness of my experience are all showing up on my face. Sure, I could get Botox or a little “work done,” but why would I? I’ve seen some former Hollywood beauties who went under the knife a bit too often, and they look artificial. There’s a reason they call it “plastic” surgery.

I am a firm believer in watching what I eat, and I’m not going to go on some fad diet so I can fit into a slinky dress. Too often, we women do some crazy diet for a special occasion, something that may help us look good on the outside but do damage on the inside. I’ve seen women sacrifice their health just so they can fit into a certain size, and I won’t do that. Yes, I am trying to lose a few pounds, but I’m doing it in a healthy, thoughtful way that provides solid nourishment.

I work on fitness because I want to be strong, with healthy bones and happy joints so I can hike for many years to come. Yes, I like having good muscle tone, but more than that, I love the feeling of reaching a trail’s peak after a long and challenging climb.

I think when we work on ourselves from the inside out, beauty is a natural by-product. There’s nothing lovelier than a woman in her 70s and beyond who has bright eyes, radiant though lined skin, and a contented smile.

On this Love Your Body Day, I invite every woman to see herself as a treasure. Wherever you are, see the beauty of survival, the miracle that we are here at all. Notice how your body moves and functions, often without your direction. What can you do today to love your body even more?