Nadine Feldman, Author

celebrating strong female characters and whatever else strikes my fancy

rough drafts

Off the Mat

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Last week I ran away to the Kripalu Center for Yoga and Health. Set in the serene Berkshires between the charming small towns of Lenox and Stockbridge, Kripalu provides an oasis for me when I need one. This was one of those times. In addition to some family stresses that have disrupted the daily routine, I have my fledgling little novel, trying to take form, and I wanted to find a way to keep life from getting in the way and disrupting its flow.

Because I was taking a retreat rather than an entire program, I had the option of showing up to a class or not, so I had plenty of alone time. Me time. Unobstructed, uninterrupted time. I spent the mornings, after early yoga class and breakfast, working on my novel. I’m taking a Plot and Structure course through the Writer’s Digest Online Workshops, and just before leaving for Kripalu had created, surprisingly for me, an outline of the novel. This is new for me, and I am pleased to announce that creating some structure for the story does not eliminate the opportunity to create and experiment.

During the week, I was assigned to write the beginning of the novel. I cringed at that, knowing I was making a first, and rough, beginning available to others for comment and critique. In the past, this would have killed my writing. This time, though, I feel less like I’m treading dangerous ground. The group I’m in are skilled writers who are also adept at making thoughtful, helpful comments. I’ve put it out there…we’ll see how it goes. This week, I’ll write three scenes.

I find the whole process fascinating. The complexity of writing a book is being broken down into manageable pieces, so by the end of the class, without feeling like I’ve made a lot of effort, I will have a strong skeleton for the entire book.

But back to Kripalu. I showed up for a class one morning to learn about self-compassion, something all writers could find useful. There I met Aruni, a woman of humor and practicality who also happens to be a writer. After class, I signed up for one of her coaching sessions. Writer to writer, we connected, understanding the joys and challenges of the writing life. I wasn’t there to learn more about writing, but to learn more about my attitude toward writing, and to identify ways to make the process easier and more fun.

In When a Grandchild Dies, as a writer, and now in Patchwork, as an editor, I grabbed the energy of inspiration by honoring the dead: in the former, my daughter Reba, who was stillborn in 1997, and in the latter, my late mother-in-law Jenny, who died and left a profound gift of the written word for all of us. How to translate this energy into something that works for a novel, where everyone is made up?

We decided that I will set up a little ceremony where I will introduce myself to my main character, Claire, a burned-out lawyer who will find friendship in a foreign language class, and who will discover her peace of mind through travel. I will amp up her status from mere imaginary friend to, as much as possible, a real person. We will “chat” weekly so I can check in and see if she likes how I’m telling her story. I will make a commitment to Claire to tell her story in full…to let her know that I hear her and value what she has to say.

This may sound a little “woo woo” to non-writers, but we writers know that the most important act we can make as a writer is to find what works. As a yogini, my commitment is to find more and better ways to translate my practice from the mat to the rest of my life. The idea of using ritual, ceremony, and prayers to create the book make it a practice. Practice means we don’t have to be perfect, we just keep showing up and doing our best. I think I’ll give that a try.

The Mysteries of Timing

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This morning I read in the U.S.A. Today about the movies Invictus and Up in the Air, both new releases with interesting timing. Invictus details Mandela’s ascension to the presidency in South Africa, providing interesting parallels to the Obama presidency. Up in the Air tells the story of a corporate downsizer–but took six years to make, so its release during economic difficulties suggests a certain serendipity. Julie Powell’s new book Cleaving shares details of her marital infidelity as she achieved a certain celebrity status. With mixed reviews, Cleaving could get a boost from the Tiger Woods saga.

For years now, I have struggled with writing a novel. Other projects have come and gone. My hair is grayer, my middle thicker. I’ve gone to workshops in hopes of being laughed out of the room, only to get encouragement for my work. I hired someone to critique my novel, and she said it was one of her most enjoyable projects ever. Yet all would agree, including me, that the novel needs more work. I’ve written before about my elusive villain and how his motives slither toward and then away from me. The relationship between me and my novel has been a dysfunctional, love-hate roller coaster. I don’t quit because yoga has taught me the importance of exploring difficult, seemingly impossible poses. It took me two years to stay balanced in half moon, so why not take longer with a 400-page tome, if that’s what needs to happen? I keep making up reasons I should quit, but none of them are good. So I keep going.

While writing, I continue to read. Right now I’m into Gabriel Garcia Marquez: A Life by Gerald Martin. I like Garcia Marquez’s work. I love magical realism, and my novel is filled with it. Turns out that his masterwork, 100 Years of Solitude, took years to write and originally existed as a manuscript called The House. Mind you, I am not comparing myself to Garcia Marquez–but as I read his biography, I am reminded that all books come in their right time, and sometimes decades.

We as artists cannot control this timing. Sometimes, as in the case of Invictus and Up in the Air, the timing brings additional interest in and commercial success to a project. Sometimes, the timing causes troubles and heartache, as in movies that were pulled after 9/11 because their content hit too close to home. Sometimes the timing requires the writer to gain maturity and perspective in order to give the project what it needs.

Yesterday I gained some glimpses into solving some of the problems with Blood and Loam. I cut two chapters and one character, with ideas on how to convey the information through my villain…which will allow the reader (and me) to understand him better. I don’t know if this will be the last draft of the work, but I do know that I am getting close to resolving the issues that have kept me from submitting it. I don’t understand the mysterious ways of timing, though I do understand that in many ways I created my own suffering through all the stops and starts over the years. I don’t know if this book will be a commercial success or failure, or if it was just meant for me to heal some inner wound. I know that finishing this novel is just the beginning, because then I need to think about agents, editors, query letters, and, if someone takes on my work, more revisions. But after all these years, I am starting to understand the story that wants to be told. And that, after all these years, is deeply satisfying.

Big Hike, Little Hike, Inspiration?

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The hike from Schynige Platte to First is considered one of the best in Switzerland. We were cautioned that it is strenuous, 10 miles with about 2,500 feet of climbing. We had planned to do it on Thursday, but the weather is expected to change, and this hike is a must-see.

We made the 6:49 a.m. train, then connected to the Little Engine that Could. Seriously. We were on a 100-year-old train that puttered up the hillside, and we wondered how we would make it. The train ride alone was worth the trip, though, with even the Swiss train employees gazing out at the beauty surrounding us.

After hiking for three hours, we stopped at a tiny bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere for a snack. Clouds rolled in, cooling things off, which we didn’t mind. At first we felt too warm, and there are few trees to provide shade, so the cooling made the hike more comfortable.

After that point, the hike became a meditation. I needed single-minded focus to find the right placement of feet and poles so as not to lose footing on the loose shale on the steep ascent. And, of course, I had to remember to stop to catch the view. We took our time, ignoring the locals with their mountain goat nimbleness, and we made it through with no incidents.

Was it worth it? Oh, yes. 360 degrees of jaw-dropping splendor, from glacial mountains to Sound of Music meadows. Pictures are amazing but do not do justice to the sense of life and accessibility of these mountains. Will these mountains show up in my writing somewhere? Yeah, count on it. I just hope I can come up with some words by then to describe them.

Exhausted and with sore feet, but triumphant, we took a gondola from First to Grindelwald, where, looking and feeling like something the cat dragged in, we had to navigate through the town’s monthly street market. We grabbed pasta from a restaurant and hurried to the quiet of our apartment.

Today we decided to take it easy. We only hiked seven miles! This hike, though, was almost entirely on level ground. Our goal was to see the Trummelbach Falls, which collects runoff from three major mountains. The falls themselves are inside a mountain, so we took a lift that gave us entry inside, where we could view the falls from multiple vantage points. I shot a brief movie on my camera of the falls so we could capture their roar–if it turns out, I will post it on FB.

We then took a cable car to Murren, a charming village, where we ate lunch and enjoyed, yes, the view. Murren hugs a hillside with a 2,500 foot sheer dropoff.

Afterward we walked for another three miles among the trees. Ready to collapse, though not as sore as yesterday, we made it back to Grindelwald and home sweet home (until Saturday).

Tired as I am, I am inspired by the landscape and being out in it. Last night I drafted a synopsis of a new novel and introduced myself to several characters. Since it has to do with travel, this trip is research!

Tracking Down a Villain

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Some time ago I hired someone to take a look at my novel. I’ve worked diligently on it, but it still doesn’t work, and I needed another pair of eyes to help dissect the problems. Yesterday I read through her comments, and frankly, there weren’t too many surprises. The ending is too gentle, in part because it hasn’t been rewritten enough yet. A few of the relationships need a little extra from me to make sense to the reader.

Then there’s the villain.

“What does he want? What made him this way?” she asks. She’s right. I’ve known this. He’s a monster, he craves power, and he terrorizes people…but why? What made him such an ugly, miserable creature?

Sadly, I don’t know. After all this time and all this work, I do not know.

Whenever I write, new information becomes revealed to me over time, and I expect that my villain has hidden out for a reason. I also hope he shows up to tell me what’s going on really soon! The other night I had a dream about him…a good sign. He was younger looking than in my story, although in my dream he had redeemed himself. That’s not going to happen in the novel, but maybe it’s the beginning of some insights.

I write this today in hopes that this action will jog loose some details and open his lips so he is more willing to tell me what hurt him so much. Or maybe he’s a psychopath who never had a conscience…but that tends to be boring in literature, so I vote for the former. Adrian, come out, come out, and talk to me. I promise I will do better at listening this time.

The Edge of the Desert

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With Patchwork and Ornament at the printer, I am revisiting old, dusty projects that have waited patiently for my attention. I have felt the strain of being in a creative desert for some time now, parched and seeing the occasional mirage that comes up empty. Shifting gears is never easy, but while P&O will require some marketing attention, I now have some free time to write again.

Fortunately, I’ve had these droughts enough times that I know what to do with them. First, I pulled The Artist’s Way off the shelf. I have done this frequently over the years, and I find that I often just need to reread the text (as opposed to doing the exercises) to jump-start my writing again.

This time, though, I need a little more help. I’m enlisting Writing the Natural Way by Gabriele Rico, Ph.D. This book is one of many recommended by one of my writing teachers, Karleen Koen, who has authored several wonderful historical fiction novels (and who also teaches a great class, “Something Novel”). In Rico’s book, the emphasis is on “clustering,” or taking a word and free-associating other words with it, then writing something based on those results. For the past few days, I’ve been dipping my toes in the water of Rico’s exercises, and now I would say that both feet are offiicially wet again. When this happens, it’s not long before I am submerged in writing once again.

As a result, I’ve returned to Exodus (I am going to work on another title soon, I promise), and I’m feeling good about working on it. I’ve received my novel evaluation from an editor that I hired, and I’m about to go through it. I have promised myself that October is a month for new creation…I have a novel idea that I want to explore, and I will be in an environment to do just that.

It feels good to be coming back, to wash myself in the waters of creativity. It’s time to get back to the pool and do some splashing!

The Novel Approach

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A year ago, I pulled a novel draft out of a drawer and began retooling it. Blood and Loam, as I call it, tells the story of a confused, dysfunctional young woman who must find her inner strength to save a small farming community from a villainous “land vampire.” The idea has haunted me for years, and I am pleased to have finally found the path of the story.

Writing this novel has been a real education on what not to do, and even after a year of dedicated, hard work, the story still has problems. Part of me has wanted to put the story back in the drawer and write it off as my “practice novel.” It may still end up that way, but I’ve had enough good feedback on the story to not give up just yet.

Earlier in the year I submitted the first few chapters for critique in a novel writing class. I also submitted the first ten pages to a contest. In both cases, I received helpful feedback. Problem is, the story careens off track later on, in places no one has yet seen. I have bumped up against my limitations as a fiction writer, and I realize that I need help to take it to its next level…help that will allow me not only to improve my skills with this story, but also to make writing the next novels (I have three more ideas so far) easier, faster, and better.

This week I took the brave step of hiring a freelancer to provide a manuscript evaluation. I went through Elance, and I was impressed to find several bidders with impressive qualifications, including published and well-reviewed books of their own. It was tough to make the final choice. The woman who won the bid not only is a published author, but also has a mental health background, which I thought would be a great bonus for the psychological elements in the story. In about two weeks, I hopefully will have some guidance on what to do with my story.

I had mixed feelings about taking this approach, but seeing the quality of some of the bidders has changed my mind. I’ll pass along the results of this venture once I get them, and we’ll see if it was worthwhile, but in the meantime, I feel like I have taken a positive step with my writing. Stay tuned!