“I don’t have time.” I hear that a lot from busy women, women who are trying to care for homes, families, children, and even grandchildren, all while trying to explore their dreams and interests. Life has speeded up, and I get that.
Whether it’s due to nature or nurture, though, we women tend to take care of others first, while men tend to take care of themselves first. Wanna bet that Stephen King doesn’t do the laundry? A while back we visited the home where Carl Sandburg spent his last years, and we learned that no one DARED interrupt him when he was writing. We women are tapping out a story with one hand while stirring the soup pot with the other. Sandburg’s wife ran an award-winning goat farm, but she also took care of the house.
But I didn’t mean for this to be a man vs. woman thing. In fact, we have a lot to learn from our male counterparts about setting boundaries. These days, for example, I exercise in the mornings, five days a week, about an hour after breakfast. That’s what works for me. Housework can wait. I don’t check e-mail when I write. And I definitely don’t pick up a ringing phone just because it’s ringing. That’s what voice mail is for. Once upon a time, when my stepson was younger, he asked me, “What if I have an emergency?” I said, “Call 911.”
We live in a world of instant gratification. Everything has become an “emergency,” when in fact, little of it actually is. And, if you do have an emergency, it usually means calling someone qualified, like a doctor or a fire department.
I’m not saying that our families never need us. I can drop what I’m doing if someone else’s needs trump mine, and sometimes they do. What I think happens, though, is we get into a habit of taking care of everyone else first all the time. It’s up to us to tell our families when we are working, and would you please keep the television off while I’m writing? Sometimes, dare I say it, we can get our hubbies to make dinner or throw a load of laundry in the wash so we can stay focused on our own projects.
So I don’t respond to e-mails the minute they come in. If someone comes to my door, I don’t open it. I ask what they want. I’ve actually had people say, “Would you please open the door?” Well, no. I didn’t invite you. You interrupted my work. So, no, I’m not helping you out.
If we women are busy tending to people, even strangers, to the degree that we stop pursuing our dreams, we have to ask ourselves, “Why?” Why are we letting strangers take up our time? Why are we letting the kids run roughshod over us? Why do we think that our house has to be spotless before we write/paint/make music/sing? Does the bed REALLY have to be made?
Let’s practice, then, today’s mantra. Instead of OM, chant with me: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO…
I happen to know that Stephen King loves stinky socks. That’s why he doesn’t do laundry.
Yes, you know your big sister has a problem with no. Your blog will help me. My life has changed in such a good way, but still I think I need to keep everyone happy and let myself get lost in the shuffle. You will be happy to know that I am improving.
Hi, Val! Yes, you have a big heart, which means there’s plenty of room for you in it!
Love this, Nadine because it’s so true. I have a long standing “date” on Thursday mornings with two writer friends. We get together and write. It took a lot of guilt swallowing to say to my family ‘this is my time and you can’t have it.’ It felt terribly selfish of me. But there have been times when those Thursdays are the only time I had to get to my writing.
Fantastic, Ute! There’s safety in numbers. I’m glad you make the time, because you’re a fine writer! I really enjoyed Blueberry Truth and hope you have more on the way. You have a voice that needs to be heard.
*Claps*
This is all so true. I try to let my own needs and ambitions take first place when I need them to. But you know what? I still feel guilty about it, even years later.
Yeah, me, too! It’s hard! But just as I told Ute, your writing deserves its time and its due. It breaks my heart that all these talented women struggle so to take time for themselves.
Great post and great reminders, Nadine. Oh, I have had such a hard time with saying “No,” but I am getting better. With email? I still feel guilty if I don’t reply immediately. But in reality, I doubt if many people are waiting breathlessly for me to reply! I am really good with letting the phone ring. Thank God for caller ID–I love it! And I agree–why are we letting strangers call the shots on our schedules? I tend to do things because I think I “should.” I’m trying to change that. I just decided that I would not post… Read more »
Ah, the shoulds! I think it’s a great idea for you to cut back on the blogging. From all I have heard, it’s important to find the amount of blogging that allows you to be consistent. Finding that sweet spot so you can do other work is SO important. I cut back to four and may cut back to three in a few months when I start new work again.
We let ourselves feel guilty about saying no …. another one of those rethorical WHY’s???
Why do we have such a problem with boundries, delegation and taking care of ourselves first so we can simply then take better care of the others in our lives? Keep spreading the message, Ms. Nadine!
I think it’s a combination of our genetic inheritance and our socialization. Plus, now we have the added pressure of being more accessible than ever — this makes it difficult for both men and women to unplug and focus on our own needs.
I write about this subject because it’s hard for me, too…together, maybe we can remind each other to keep stoking the fires of our dreams! We’re worth it!
Great blog Nadine. We, as women, have forgotten how to be selfish. Our men get to watch football, drink with their buddies, or in my case perter the daylights out of me until I say, “Stop! I’m working.” Even when Sarah Palin pronouced herself as a soccer mom did not service for women and their needs.
I agree, Jo! I think that “selfish” has a negative connotation, when what we are really doing is taking care of the self — which we deserve to do!
You speak the truth, Nadine. I’m slowly learning to put writing before house/family management. Not there yet, but moving in that direction. When my husband and I were planning our summer in France he said (in a kind way) that he wanted two weeks of our extended trip that was him alone, making his own work schedule and not thinking about having to make any plans involving me. He needed uninterrupted work time. Just before I got all huffy about him getting more France time than I would, it occurred to me to say that I, too, wanted uninterrupted time… Read more »
I think it’s wonderful that the two of you found a way to negotiate so that both of you can get your needs met. We women often have trouble speaking our needs, and often, though not always, when we speak up, our guys are just fine with whatever we want to do!
I learned the power of this word when I gave up life to write. It was odd at first to say NO, then I kind of got used to saying it because I learned the downside to saying yes. Now I have to force myself to say yes and even when I do I cringe. What saying not has taught me is to appreciate time more and when I do say yes to something ( obligations excluded) it’s because I must 1) really like the person I am saying yes o 2) I really want to do something… I confess… Read more »
Yes, that’s the flip side! Thanks for bringing that up!
Hubby and I both work from home, so we can get pretty isolated. We look for ways to get out from time to time and call them PIOs, or People Interaction Opportunities. As we get ready to move cross-country, we are already reaching out to people in the community to make friends and get involved. It’s a balancing act, to be sure!